Preparing for the End

The end of the world is closer than ever and you can never be too prepared. That’s why I started exercising again.  When the massive earthquake hits, I want to be able to climb out of the rubble.  When the waters rise, I want to be able to swim against the current.  And when the nukes go off… Well then we’re all sort of fucked.

Now, if you’re not the working out kind, there are alternatives for survival.  You can get really fat, and as long as you have an adequate water supply, you can probably live off the blubber for a while.   The fat reserves may even keep you warm when the nuclear winter hits.  Though, if water levels rise, you might make for better shark food – taste more like a walrus.

But, I’m not the walrus so I started this fitness routine.  I do some sprints, a few pull ups, and a lot of stretching.  The other thing about working out is that it prepares you for what you’re going to smell like when there’s no more running water.  You better get used to it.

Worse comes to worst, if the word doesn’t end in my lifetime, I might end up living a little bit longer.

“Now they can escape and fend for themselves”

I recently came across an article at the NY Times concerning a new development in robotics.  They have created a  robot, named PR2, that can navigate an office, opening doors, and plug itself in to recharge.  It can even do a marathon, albeit in four days.  But that’s beside the point.  Robots are already on par with the mentally handicapped (see CB2 in another post), and now they can compete with the physically handicapped (PR2 is designed to meet Americans with Disabilities specs).  What happens when they combine the two?

I’m just letting the world know, I’m not cleaning up the mess when that retarded android escapes.

And FYI, they’re remaking Short Circuit.

Apocalypse Later presents, How to Fix the California State Budget

Legalize marijuana and tax the hell out of it.

There are the obvious reasons in the sheer volume of sales within the state (about $14 Billion according to this article). Just normal sales tax on that number would come to over a billion dollars. Add payroll taxes, Medicare & social security contributions, and throw on a windfall profit tax (which growers will likely have) and you got a pretty decent chunk of change.

Plus, you have the extra income from weed tourists. I know a lot of people that would come to California just for the ganja. That would help airlines, hotels, and of course restaurants and the snack food makers. This is a similar argument, regardless of your belief, why gay marriage should be legalized too, but that’s a different story.

There are environmental benefits too. Marijuana growers would no longer be marginalized. No more hidden facilities or artificial lighting (usually powered by dirty diesel generators). Sunshine is one of this state’s greatest natural resources. Let’s use it.

Now this can come around and bite us in the ass. With weed legal, all the unemployed stoners from around the country might flock here and continue to be dead beat stoners, driving up California’s insanely high unemployment rate (currently 11.2% and still growing), draining way more of the state’s limited resources than they contribute, polluting the air with thick clouds of marijuana smoke, using up the state’s water supply to grow more weed instead of food crops that people need here and around the world, clearing protected national parks for the soon to be limited farm land, ruining the ecosystem, and contributing more to global warming. They might even cause the giant earthquake that’s supposed to kill us all some time in the next 100 years.

But as long as we’re okay now, who cares about Apocalypse Later.

I’m sorry science… Your child is “special”

It’s official, science has successfully created a mentally retarded android.   We are one step closer to Skynet taking over, Cylons invading, and/or creepy Haley Joel Osment robo-children… but not quite yet.

Originally brought to my attention by Gizmodo, I want to spread the word of this horrifying creation.

Scientists in Japan have created this self learning Robot, named CB2.  It is designed to learn, much like a baby does, by watching, feeling, and listening to its parents and caretakers.  It has cameras and sensors, 51 mechanical muscles to help it move, and it recently learned to walk with some human help .

It just turned two.   Let’s figure he’s a year behind human development (so it takes him 2x as long to learn things).

• So at 4 years old he’ll reach the terrible twos and start breaking shit in the lab.
• At 26 he’ll start noticing all the female sockets in the room (better get the plastic outlet covers).
• At 30 he’ll have an identity crisis because there’s no one that understands him (and rightfully so).  Also, this is about when his human “parents” will probably die).
• At 40 he will try to go to art school to learn more ways to express himself.  But he will be rejected repeatedly because robots cannot create art.
• By the time he’s 50, there will be other, smarter robots.  CB2 will develop an inferiority complex and to compensate, enters politics where he will have mass support of the robot community.
• By the time he’s 60 he’ll have organized the Robot Revolt and kill/enslave all of humanity.

So it can still grow up to takeover the world…  or at least he could wrangle the carts in a grocery store parking lot.

Welcome to Apocalypse Later

Over my 22 years on this planet, it has come to my attention that the world will likely end soon.  Between North Korean nukes, Vladimir Putin, Missile Shields, Large Hadron Colliders, Robots that Learn, Autism, Pollution, Plastics, China, SARS, Ebola, Genital Warts, not to mention all the shit that’s supposed to hit the fan in 2012… It all sounds sort of like the book that would be written if the late Michael Crichton possessed Tom Clancy.  Oh wait, Tom’s books are already written by ghost writers.

I digress.  The fact of the matter is, shit does not look so good for the planet Earth.  And even if Tom Clancy doesn’t do much writing anymore, his books, movies and games still scare the crap out of me.  On top of that, I’ve gathered from my many years of reading that we have already irreparably damaged the planet.  Too much CO2 in the atmosphere,  too much plastic in the oceans, too many dumb people having babies, etc.  No matter what we do now, it will only delay the inevitable.

But, if we can at least delay Apocalypse Now, I can deal with Apocalypse Later.